Questions to ask before you get married

Getting engaged is an exciting chapter filled with planning, dreams and plenty of to-do lists. But between venue tours and guest lists, pause to talk about the life you’re building together.

Many people believe that love is all you need, but as the marriage expert John M Gottman points out, it’s more complex than that. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he shares this key insight: “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this, I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well-versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

So with that in mind, these questions to ask before marriage cover the practical conversations – money, family, work, living together and children – as well as the stories, memories and shared moments that remind you why you’re choosing each other for life. Whether you’re a fiancé, a fiancée or simply planning ahead, use them on the sofa, on a road trip or just unwinding after dinner. Save this page or print it so you can work through the list together.

Money

1. How do we want to handle money once we’re married – joint accounts, separate, or a mix?

2. What did you learn about money growing up, and how does it shape how you spend and save today?

3. Do either of us have debts, loans or financial commitments the other should know about?

4. What are our biggest financial goals for the next five years – a home, travel, a family?

5. How do we want to pay for the wedding, and what budget feels comfortable?

Family

6. How close do we want to be with our families, and what does that look like in practice?

7. How should we split holidays and special occasions between our families?

8. Are there boundaries we’d like to set with in-laws or relatives, and how would we do it together?

9. Is there anything about your family’s dynamics you’d like me to understand better?

10. If a family member needed care or support in the future, how would we handle it?

Work

11. What does a successful career look like to you, and where would you like to be in five years?

12. How do we keep a healthy balance between work and time together?

13. Would either of us consider relocating, changing careers or studying again?

14. How would we handle one of us losing a job or taking a career break?

15. How do you like to unwind after a stressful week, and what support do you need?

Living together

16. Where would we love to live – a city, the countryside, or somewhere abroad?

17. How do we want to share chores and household jobs?

18. How much time do you like to have to yourself, and how much do you like to spend together?

19. What are your non-negotiables for a happy home – tidiness, quiet, having friends round?

20. How do we feel about pets, now or in the future?

Children

21. Do we want children, and if so, how many and when?

22. How would we feel if starting a family didn’t happen the way we planned?

23. What values and traditions would we like to pass on to our children?

24. How would we share parenting and childcare, including who might step back from work?

25. What would you like to repeat from your own childhood, and what would you do differently?

Shared memories

26. What’s the very first thing you noticed about me?

27. Do you remember what you were thinking right before our first date?

28. What’s one moment from our relationship that always makes you laugh?

29. Which trip or day out of ours would you relive in a heartbeat?

30. What’s the best meal we’ve had together – and why?

Stories from the past

31. What was your favourite toy or game growing up?

32. Who was your childhood hero – and do they still inspire you?

33. What’s a family tradition you’d love us to keep (or start)?

34. Did your family have any hilarious or strange habits?

35. What’s a memory from school that still makes you smile?

Firsts and milestones

36. What’s the first photo we took together – and do you still have it?

37. What was the first song or album we both loved?

38. Do you remember when we first said “I love you”?

39. When did you first think, “This could be the person I marry”?

40. What’s a “first” we haven’t had yet that you’re excited for?

Aspirations

41. Where would you love to travel together that we haven’t yet?

42. If we could wake up anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would it be?

43. What’s one new hobby or skill we should try learning together?

44. What would our dream lazy Sunday look like, start to finish?

45. What traditions should we create for our future family?

Romance

46. What’s one little thing I do that you secretly love?

47. If you had to describe me in three words, what would they be?

48. What’s something I might not realise you appreciate about me?

49. What’s one of your favourite photos of us, and what do you love about it?

50. What are you most excited about for our future?

Laughter

51. What’s the weirdest habit I’ve picked up from you?

52. What’s your favourite in-joke of ours?

53. If our life together was a film, what would the title be?

54. Who would play each of us in that film?

55. What animal do you think I’m most like and why?

Reflections on commitment

56. What does “home” mean to you – and how do we create it together?

57. What’s something small we do as a couple that feels really special?

58. When we look back at our life in 30 years, what do you hope we’ll say?

59. What’s one lesson love has taught you since we met?

60. What are you most excited to experience together in married life?

These aren’t questions you have to get through all at once. They’re conversation starters – excuses to slow down, reminisce, laugh and maybe even discover something new about the person you already know so well. After all, it’s the stories you collect along the way that make your love uniquely yours, and a Photo Book is a lovely way to keep them.