The Photo That Changed Me: becoming a mother of multiples

Fashion editor and travel writer Gemma Louise Deeks has spent more than a decade shaping stories for leading titles in Dubai and London – but the role that’s redefined everything is motherhood.

Tuesday 21 May 2024 at 10am. My partner had just left for a three-day business trip, and something was telling me I was pregnant. I did a test and there they were – two lines on the stick confirming it. It was everything we’d hoped for, but the news two weeks later gave us the surprise of our lives…

We booked a private early scan at about six weeks – because who has the patience to wait until 12? The suspense had been unbearable – especially for someone who’s patience is next to zero – and I’d been feeling so ill. I remember driving on the motorway when I suddenly screamed at my partner to pull over on the hard shoulder. I knew morning sickness was a given but this was something else.

Our sonographer started the scan. The grainy black and white picture on the screen was unreadable to someone experiencing pregnancy for the first time. She was quiet and taking her time – could she see anything? She announced that there was a “yolk sac” (that’s what they call a baby before it becomes a foetus) – but it didn’t stop there. “Oh there’s another one, and… another one.” What? There’s three? Triplets – me? The woman who thought she didn’t even want children for most of her life. 

The three of us in the room were in shock. I looked at my partner and just burst into laughter. Surely this was a joke? As a father already to two children from a previous relationship, he genuinely looked horrified. This wasn’t in the plan. She told us that one of the yolk sacs was small compared to the other two, and that it was likely to vanish by the next scan; something we later learned was common, called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. “Well, this explains why you feel so poorly,” the sonographer said.

The next week we just drifted through life. Being parents of triplets was not on the agenda. How would we manage? It was unthinkable. The following week the scan confirmed that only two babies remained – identical twins – and both had heartbeats. Although having twins may feel like winning the lottery to some (the kind you didn’t even enter), the next month or so the depression washed over me. I knew I was incredibly lucky to become a mother, but often women dream of that one perfect baby they can give everything to, and I just didn’t know how I could possibly split myself in two.

As we spent the following weeks staring at the scan picture, it was my partner who came round to the idea first. How lucky we are to have twins and watch them grow up together as best friends. Another twin mum said she believes twins are only given to those that can manage it, and since becoming a mum I think she is right. Some days we purely survive, but other days we thrive. After weekly scans and a semi-emergency C-section at 34 weeks, my identical twin boys Jude and Beau were born on 19 December 2024.

As we approach their first birthday – a year that’s gone by at lightning speed – it’s hard to believe I ever felt negatively towards having twins. I’ve never felt luckier to be a twin mum. Of course, that has come with time. The newborn stage was rough, and I firmly believe the “newborn bubble” is a myth. Looking back, I wonder how I survived the exhaustion levels and the late-night loneliness, but life from six months onwards has been much more special and the fog began to clear. I get to see their personalities develop day after day, and their bond grows more and more beautiful. There was a moment recently when they were crawling around the floor together, laughing like crazy, and it was definitely the moment that made me think, “This is all worth it.”

There are things I have not been able to do as a twin mum – the slow, single-baby sweetness doesn’t exist for me. Some days I’m trying to push out the thought of how much easier it would be with just one baby. The contact naps and the serene daily walks with your baby snug in a sling I can only wish for. Occasionally, I’ve felt guilty I’ve not been able to give my boys the closeness my friends – mothers of singletons – are able to give to their babies. Sometimes I feel like I could explode by the mental weight of motherhood times two. But I have something so much more profound – a love that’s double the size. A photoshoot I did with the boys at four months old showed me that, and this photo stands proudly framed in our living room.

People tell me almost daily “you are a superwoman” or say “I don’t know how you do it”. But the truth is, I don’t know how not to do it. This is all I know. But the feeling that comes up most for mothers of multiples is guilt. Did I show that twin enough love today? Did that twin get enough hugs and kisses? Did my frustration with the whining get the better of me?

There is so much beauty in becoming a parent, but also many other complex feelings that torment you. There’s the almighty identity shift to start with. Who actually am I now? Or who was I before? But what I’ve learned is that I can be many versions of myself. The mother. The nurturer. The juggler. The businesswoman. And when I’m able to give myself to other things, I’m a better parent.

What I wish I could have told myself back during these darker times in pregnancy, is that my love isn’t divided – it’s multiplied. Every night before I go to bed, I creep into their rooms and watch them sleeping peacefully for a few seconds, wondering how I could possibly love them more than yesterday.